6 posts tagged “meme”

What it is:  The animatronic roommate, AKA "Brian the Brain"

Where to get it:  Hammacher-Schlemmer

Roommates exist for three reasons:  To help with the rent, to leave dirty dishes and/or underwear lying in the sink, and to sleep with your girlfriend behind your back.  Brian the Brain can't do ANY of these things, making him quite possibly the lamest roommate in the history of ever, if also possibly the least messy.  You might think it would help that Brian looks like a gruesome trophy from Mars Attacks!, but it doesn't.  I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea of sharing space with an unliving substitute for companionship, but I'd rather it looked more like a RealDoll (don't click that at work) and less like a boiled monkey skull.  And after a bad breakup, the RealDoll might just give you a pity fuck (Okay, in fairness, Brian might also.  But from him, no thanks.)   There's also the issue of Brian the Brain coming pre-loaded with the Encyclopedia Britannica, which makes him not only an UGLY fake roommate, but an annoying know-it-all fake roommate as well.  I can't bear the idea of going out and looking for any clips of this horrorshow on the Internet, but I'm guessing that any time the Britannica disk is loaded, every sentence starts with, "well, accccctuallly," or "I'm sure you meant..."

SO not my favorites:
 - Spending my day making paper fruit (again.)
 - Work email being down with no explanation.  With no access to my network drive, work is mostly going to be about the paper fruit.
 - People Who Don't Get It.
 - Cold calling.
 - Pencils with inexplicably notched tips.  So you're trying to write, or draw a line or whatever, and you keep getting TWO lines, right next to each other.

Hey, it ain't all bad:
 - Being relatively stress-free.
 - Making notable progress on myself, in several ways.
 - Rediscovering an old favorite series of books.
 - My pants today.  Really.  On the hanger, they look like they're dark charcoal.  Under fluorescents, they look more brown, and out in the sun, you could believe that they're a dark, dark, green.  The only bad thing about these pants is figuring out which shoes to wear with them.
 - My shoes.  They look good with my pants.
 - Always having more in the "up" column than in the "down."

What is it:  Scale Model Bazookas

Where to get it:  http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/japanfan/995b/

"Time to celebrate your personal relationship with explosions ...by bringing 1/6th scale replicas of some of the world's most favorite bazookas to your office."
  The above phrase, copied directly from the Internet, is insane enough that it really deserves to be taken apart and dissected piece by piece.
  "1/6 scale"  Did you know that spellcheck doesn't recognize "undercompensation?"  And yet, that's what these microweapons are.  Undercompensation tools.  I think.  I'm actually not sure what these things say about your penis, but I shamefully almost want one, if only so I can say, "wanna see my three-inch boomstick?" at parties.
  "replicas"  I'm forced to assume this means they're "not actually functional," which makes them approximately seven levels less awesome.  Picture, if you will, the cubicle of your enemy.  He has gone to the staff lounge and returned with a packet of Pringles, which are awesome salty goodness that he crunches loudly and refuses to share.  Again.  You pull down from the wall your trusty miniature Panzer Faust3, take careful aim, and a one-centimeter rocket-propelled grenade chuffs down the hallway, blowing the shit out of his Bluetooth mouse, with, just for effect, a miniature exhaust contrail.  Yeah, sorry, that can't happen, because the rocket launcher is just a die-cast replica.

  "to your office."  That's the key phrase right there.  Unless you work from home, festooning your cubicle walls with miniature weapons is nothing short of rather bizarre behavior.  Once you start muttering to yourself and hanging replica weapons on your office wall, the countdown to an office intervention begins.  Hopefully, it begins at "2," because: damn, it turns out that you're the kind of person who has fantasies of extremely violent behavior over forty cents' worth of potato chips.

  Look.  Instead of spending $10 on a rocket launcher that doesn't work and will cause embarrassing questions, spend $3 on a shitload of matches and make a mortar battery of matchstick rockets.  It's cheaper, is somewhat easier to explain to your coworkers, and has the potential to actually start a fire and get you out early.

Tagged by [Susan]

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog w/ 10 weird, random things, facts, habits or goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment ( "You're It") and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you.

1. I have to tie both shoelaces at roughly the same time.  When one comes untied, the other has to be retied, too.
2. I surf FireFox extensions for amusement.
3. This one is awesome, but doesn't go on the Internet.  ;)
4. I have a very cool illustration on my desk from a very bad and shockingly racist book.  But the picture is excellent out of context.
5. I gauge how sick I am by how much I can stand to drink Gatorade.  When I'm healthy/hydrated, it tastes like chemically-enhanced sewage.
6. I still have a tendency to comma-splice.
7. I'd be lost without my jump drive.
8. When I'm at work, there's a pen tucked behind my left ear.  Always.
9. I don't like doing paperwork At All.  That's why so much of it remains undone.
10. I like to be moving, but I'm not in any particular rush.

I don't tag.  If you want to do this, do this.

Loathes:

• Ow.
• Ow.
• Ow.
• Ow.
• Ow.

Loves:

• Ow.
• Ow.
• Ow.
• Ow.

Loathes:
The speed limit
The infield fly rule
Not passing Go and collecting $200
Canasta.  All of it.

Loves:
The five-second rule
Icing
Trump suits
Backgammon.  I don't understand it, but it's fun.  (Hey, that also applies to "girls.")